Liar Lair (repost)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

New Middle Age Thoughts

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection… again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. "Do no machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never was this - ever. 

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes do voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

19. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Like than Kay. 

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. 

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pant? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys, in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

"No pain, no gain"

When they say, "No pain, no gain", does that include flu season?

What about when you stub your toe?

Same for , "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". How is getting a paper cut going to make you stronger? I really hope no one has died from one of those...